u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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