I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
