Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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