he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
