Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
