i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
