but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
