I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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