It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
