This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
