he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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