Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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