seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
