i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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