That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got inside last night via doggy door
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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