dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
