im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
