i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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