I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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