Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
