I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
