On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
