broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
