My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Shame - the story of my life.
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