No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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