We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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