headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
