all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
