One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
