Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
