I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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