I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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