my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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