So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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