only you would photoshop your dick
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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