My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
