capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
