how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
