I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
