Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
