Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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