What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
