Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
