Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
