apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
