I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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