The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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