I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
