his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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