While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
