margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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