I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
