fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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