i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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