I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize