and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
