ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
