if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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