Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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