my vag is so smooth its legendary
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
