When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
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Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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