This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
