Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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