Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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