Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
