I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
