and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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